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x___emo_tion
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facts
heather nicole. almost legal, college bound, daddy's girl♥, loves endless summer nights, has a big heart & big dreams. she doesn't care what anyone says- a boy with a nice personality will win her heart over a 'hot' boy♥
cartel♥
cause our days were numbered by
niqhts on too many rooftops. they
said we're wastinq our lives, oh at
least we know, that if we die - we
lived with passion. they aid we'd
burn so briqht. we burn this city &
qo. pack our baqs and qet away -
they're catchinq onto us
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[Tuesday
9:01pm 22nd] |
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i dunno what to do anymore.
although i was treated wrong..
and was lied to..
i still miss her.
a lot.
she's an amazing girl.
that i'm without now.
she was my world.
now i'm left with nothing but tears
and heart-ache.
121805</3
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[Monday
11:24pm 24th] |
so it's another early night for me. desmond and i went to windber to see crystal for a few minutes and then we left. i don't care, it beats sitting here all night.
sometimes i wonder why i do this, but i do.. i silently analyze people without them knowing.. it's a weird thing to do, but i do it. and i was analyzing desmond and crystal.. and realized.. desmond doesn't know the first thing about girls. every time crystal would say something.. desmond would say "really?" .. not just a few times.. like after everything she said. and i could tell that crystal was getting annoyed, lol. i was too. i just wanted to be like.. 'desmond, can't you just have a real conversation with someone and not just say 'really?'. it was making me really mad. and then he kept asking her the dumbest questions.. like.. why does your pants say XL? and she said 'i don't know..' and he just kept asking her, and wouldn't let it go. and on top of that he kept whipping his pipes out in the middle of the road, that was annoying the shit out of me, cause if i would have gotten pulled over, that's my ass for drug paraphenilia.(sp?) i really wouldn't blame crystal at all for not going out with him, he's a retard, seriously.
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[Monday
2:44am 24th] |
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hmm. i'm bored and i'm tired, but i don't feel like going to sleep yet. so i'm going to write in here. so the last couple days have been fun. i met a few people from windber, and they're soo fun to be around. they're a whole different breed of people, for real. i can't really understand it. i've never in my life been around such nice people. it's kinda funny how they're so different though. i was expecting these people to be cocky and stuck up, but i was sooo wrong. i guess that's what i get, though, for judging people before i actually get to know them. i'm glad i have though and i hope we continue to hang out. if desmond doesn't fuck it up by being himself, haha.
and don't you get sick of hearing the same thing over and over? for example.. relationships. i get stuck in the middle of them all the time. tommy.. and maria. it's so frustrating anymore, for me. i'm sick of giving advice to people and them never ever listening to it and doing the complete opposite of what i say. its to the point where i don't even wanna hear about it anymore. i've said what i had to say and it's up to him to take my advice. don't put me in the middle of this, it isn't my problem, don't make me get all upset and stressed over it. if you don't want my advice, don't ask for it.
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[Friday
2:28am 21st] |
a xb3autiful lie (11:44:09 PM): q0inCOMMando (11:46:39 PM): i never cared abotu anyone a much as i do about her
a xb3autiful lie (11:46:46 PM): oh desmond
a xb3autiful lie (11:46:54 PM): you've known her for like.. a week
a xb3autiful lie (11:44:15 PM): people are retarded
LiLShOrtY2410 (11:44:35 PM): HAHA
LiLShOrtY2410 (11:44:53 PM): im like literally...clapping at that one
LiLShOrtY2410 (11:44:55 PM): lol
a xb3autiful lie (11:45:41 PM): qOinC0MMando (11:48:36 PM): you dont understand
qOinC0MMando (11:48:41 PM): she tells me everything lol
omg, come on now. he's soo retarded. yeah she's a nice girl and everything but.. gosh. hes talking to me about love and shit already.
he does not love her. love takes time. he doesnt realize this yet. damnit, it makes me so mad. i guess it's just cause he's young yet. he hasnt been in love. he's been in lust.. but not love. he just needs to learn how to tone it down some. i'd like to see him with crystal, but at the rate hes going.. i dunno man.
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| i'm trying to dissapear |
[Wednesday
6:58pm 19th] |
note to self:
i miss you terribly
this is what we call a tragedy
come back to me
come back to me
to me.
what did i do? =[
i'm a retard..
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[Friday
10:01pm 7th] |
so i wanted to update to get some things off of my chest.
first. she quit. yes.. this drama queen that i've had run-ins with practically all of the time.. quit. and what a huge lift it was off of my shoulders. this girl.. is unbelieveable. she tells lies about people and makes up rumors constantly. for instance - me. spreading rumors that i have lice along with michele(another girl i work with) and that the reason my parents are getting a divorce is so my dad can be with her. LOL she just turned 17 and my dad would NEVER do anything like that. not in a fucking million years. and that little lie there could cost my dad his job and even some prison time. with the divorce and everything.. that would be the last thing we all would need. so i'm so relieved that she quit.
second. my cousin had her baby. she can't see it, except for saturdays and sundays. which i think is bullshit. i feel so bad for her.. she and aaron love the shit out of that little baby and they can't even fucking see it. i hope to god that she gets to keep him.. it would break my heart if she didn't.
third. my dad. he can be such a dickhead at times. i talk to my aunt about how i feel about him and amanda all the time. and she talks to be about how my dad doesn't talk to her anymore like he used to. so.. my dad finds out about me talking to her and freaks out saying that what he does is none of anyone else's business. um. hello? how isn't my business. i worry about him every night that he doesn't come home and it bothers the fucking hell out of me. i talk to my aunt about how i feel because i know she won't say anything and she's like my mom. well not like her, like her. but i consider her my second mom. so i told him that it is my business that he doesn't come home because i worry about him. and he said something like 'oh i can't go out and have any fun?' well yeah. just not all fucking night and he gives me reason to think he's having an affair. he says 'trust me' yeah okay. trust him when he takes a bowl of whipped cream out of the freezer and leaves with it. and i'm supposed to trust him when he does shit like that. no, not quite.
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| Duhhhh |
[Sunday
6:58pm 25th] |
So here I am again. Alone. Ever since Carl left, I haven't been asked to do anything with anyone except for Maria and Desmond. Suprise Suprise. Carly bitched and bitched and bitched about Kayla and Betsy and how she didn't wanna put up with them anymore and what does she do? Goes back on everything she's said about them.
Whatever though. Sucks for me I guess. I'm going to start hanging out with Karah and Maria. They're probly much funner anyways.
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[Wednesday
11:36pm 7th] |
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so i had an interesting conversation with carl last night.
he said we were going to hang out on saturday.
yeah, i got excited, lol. because...
1. i miss hanging out with all of them terribly (including betsy)
2. carl actually talked to me, lol, cause i think we were mad at eachother for a while.
i guess most of this was my fault though because i pushed them all away for dumb reasons, well except betsy because i think i had a good reason to be mad at her. but as far as carly and carl, yeah, mostly my fault. i'm a big baby sometimes and i know it. i shouldn't have been mad at either of them for as long as i was. carly actually stood up for me, which if i were her, i wouldn't have.. i was a bitch to her after our "fight". like i didn't talk to her and was kinda rude to her when i did talk to her, but i love carly, lol. she was always nice to me throughout all of it and i respect her greatly for that. courtney also put a lot of things into my head, and i wanted to be mad at them and hang out with her to prove to them that i didn't need them, which in reality.. i do. it was like, because courtney didn't wanan hang out with them, i didn't either. i've had plenty of time to think about this situation for the past few days, and i have. yeah we had our differences, all of us, but i miss them. there's times where i'd never be home because i was out all of the time with them. and that felt good, i felt like i actually had friends, unlike now. i'm glad that carl said that and i'm especially glad that me and carly are slowly getting back to normal, god only knows how much i missed our texting back and forth about boys and her wanting to molest some them, lol.
i have an update:
i hung out with carl and venessa and my brother last night like almost right after i wrote this. we went to wal*mart. and you know what, we didn't really do anything, kevin and carl were just being retards, and we walked around. but it felt good. it felt really good to actually get out and just.. chill and have a good time. even though it was 2:00a.m. but that's what made it a lot more fun, lol. so we'll see what saturday brings.
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| i'd rather be drowning than swimming away |
[Wednesday
8:17pm 7th] |
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jamisonparker |
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well today marks the end of my summer vacation.
weird?
yeah, i know.
i sprained my ankle and was off of work yesterday and today. thus, today marks the end of my summer vacation. this is going to blow. courtney got a job today at a telemarketing center and STARTS OFF at $8.75. not fair? no it's not fucking fair. friday marks 2 years for me at stager's and have i even seen a fucking raise yet? no. i'm still at $5.15. i told my dad i was getting an application to work with courtney, lol. he didn't take me seriously, of course.
on another note.. love.
what is it anyways? i've always confused it with pain. every instance when i thought i was in love.. i ended up getting hurt. and the sad part.. i didn't do anything to deserve it. nice girls finish last, i guess. everyone would rather have a hott, stuck up, bitchy, kind of girl then a not so pretty, nice, great hearted kind of girl. all i know is that i have a lot to offer. i'm pure hearted and sincere. not fake like all of the other girls. i would treat you like gold, as i have with everyone i did go out with.
fuck it though, i don't want anyone right now. i'm just looking to having a good summer.
oh and i met this girl, also. she's pretty cool. from NJ. we have some fun conversations. i think the other night we talked for 3 hours or something like that.. about basically nothing, lol. it felt good to just talk to someone & them actually listen to the words that were coming out of my mouth. plus we're kind of alike. i could see us keeping in touch & becoming friends. =)
& to leave you off, lj, a song i currently have on repeat...
"Emergency Room Romantic"
Through muffled screams and swollen eyes
From lots of pills and alibis
I always find my romance in the emergency room
I remind you of everything you hate
And you remind me I’m the one to blame
I’m fighting myself to get you out of my head
But I’m hanging off of every word you said
Forced heart beat and broken mirrors
Flaws and faults are held so dear
My reflection makes me sick
The pain we feel is nothing new
Prescription drugs and photographs
Of lonliness and nervous laughs
What you call misery through anxious eyes
Is something I can’t see
I’m fighting myself to get you out of my head
But I’m hanging off of every word you said
I’m fighting myself to get you out of my head
And I’m screaming loud enough to wake the dead
I’m fighting myself to get you out of my head
But I’m hanging off of every word you said
-Jamisonparker
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| take me away. |
[Monday
4:59pm 5th] |
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dashboard confessional - july |
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"she'll destroy us all before she's through, she'll find a way to blame somebody else"
i figured i'd quote taking back sunday for this entry, because it best describes the situation that i'm facing right now.
well here's the conversation me and my 'mom' had not too long ago:
her: jeez this is nice, there's pretzels all over the floor, you guys just don't care, i'm sick of cleaning up after you
me: just shut up, i don't wanna hear about it because i didn't do it
her: well i'm not shutting up because i'm sick of this
me: i don't want to be lectured about something i didn't do.
her: then leave cause i'm just going to keep talking about it
me: you leave, you're the one that no one wants here!
her: SHUT UP!!!!!! JUST SHUT UP! you're the one that's going to be here forever, no one is going to want to marry you.
me: you're an idiot, i guess you don't realize that you don't say shit like that to people, especially me being that i am your mother fucking daughter
her: you're freakin lazy
me: hah. you work what? 5 hours a week, i work 40, and i'm lazy?
her: yeah so just start by cleaning it up
me: what the hell are you talking about?
her: start with your own mess!
me: are you high? you don't make any sense right now.
and just now..
her: i need the computer
me: i'm not done yet
her: just for one minute
me: i'm not done, i'll be done in just a second
her: *standing there with arms crossed*
me: if youre gonna sit there and watch me, i'm not gonna finish...i'll be done in 30 seconds, so just leave
her: *steps outside the room* 1..2..3..4..5
me: how old are you??
her: older then you
me: you're not acting so.. you're 40 some years old.. how about acting that way.
she is definatly having a bad episode. she's not even making sense when she talks. she's a moron, and i don't know how much more of this i can take. just last night she had our whole family pointing fingers at each other because she claimed someone stole $80 off of her, and my dad ended up finding it in her pocket. she's still throwing her food up, i knew she wasn't in the hospital long enough. i'm just waiting on her to leave.
she wants me to go to therepy so we can 'work out our differences' hah. yeah, after 8 years of her being in the hospital on and off, trying to throw me down the steps, making promises she knew she couldn't keep, kicking me out of the house, telling me that i don't have any friends, that no one loves me, that she couldn't wait til i went to california so i could get out of her face, that she doesn't want me.. yeah not happening. why should i? i'm tired of given her second, third, fourth, fifth and so on chances. i've done all i could to try to make it work, but its never going to happen. this goes back too far for me to just forgive and forget. she's hurt me too much, over and over for me to want to be close with her.
all of you who read this are probably thinking, oh she's horrible! she doesn't even love her own mom, what a shame, why can't she just forgive her.
yeah, it's not, nor will it ever be that easy. i blame the way i am on her. i was alone in everything i did because i didn't have anyone there for me, i'm used to not having a mom and having a dad that's too busy to spend time with me. that's why i'm so dependent on my friends and that's why i'm so needy. i feel abadoned because all my ex-friends deserted me. and the two people that i can actually count on, don't wanna take the time out and hang out with me (and right now, it's what i need most)
i'm frustrated and hurt, and looking for an escape. it wont happen, so i'm stuck here, alone and cold.
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| You're a loaded gun, nowhere to run. No one can save me, the damage is done |
[Thursday
1:22am 27th] |
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there are a lot of things in life that i'm not sure about. and one of them is myself. i don't know a lot of things about myself.. take for instance.. why i'm so vulnerable and needy. i don't know why i'm like that, but i am. it's like.. if i don't feel loved or wanted, i crash. i get depressed, cry, get really pissed off at the dumbest shit, say mean things to people.. you catch my drift. i don't want to be like that.. but i am. i guess it all falls back on to my mom. i've never really had a mom in my life besides the hospital visits and the 3:00a.m. wake up calls that consist of her puking her supper up. she's never been a real figure in my life. for the past 8 years of my life, i've lived on empty promises of her staying out of the hospital for good this time and her stating that she's going to be a real mom to us now. "i love you guys, let's start our happy life now" and i always fall for it. i've always waited for the day when everything would be okay. ok, yeah she's done good for a while.. but it's all happening again. and who does all of this fall back on? me. my dad's too fed up to care anymore, my brothers have had enough of it. and i'm left with all of the guilt. like if i'm not there, no one else will be. so i feel like i have to take care of her, call the doctor and tell him that she's sick, i have to clean the house because she doesn't anymore, i have to make sure my brothers are up and ready for school, i'm the one taking them to baseball and picking them up. i mean.. god love her, i know she's struggling, but there's only so much i can take. 8 years. 8 YEARS i've had to deal with this. it's not her fault, but i just feel like i'm going to break. and i feel bad for my friends. they have to deal with me.. i have this idea of a perfect friend.. one that's always there when i need to talk, one that will make me chicken soup when i'm not feeling well, one that will sit up all night and watch movies with me and will let me rest my head on their lap because it's the only time i feel safe & needed, one that can see past my smile and see that i'm hurting so bad inside, one that knows that i hate tomatoes and makes sure to never order my burger with them on it. and as i'm sitting here balling my eyes out, i feel bad for expecting everyone to be that person.. and the second they're not, i turn my back to them. it's not like i do it on purpose.. i just.. i don't know. i just. i have no idea. i feel left out. everyone has that 'one person' that they couldn't survive without, and i'm not that one person for anyone. i give my all to everyone, and when i get disappointed when they don't give it back, i fall flat on my face. and i guess that's my problem, i trust too many people with my heart and end up just getting disappointed over and over. things aren't how they used to be anymore. i wish i could stay 7 for the rest of my life. therefore i wouldn't know what bi-polar was and that my mom was sick, the only kind of heartbreaks i'd ever encounter is when the one i made in class would rip because i was coloring too hard, and you were best friends with everyone. everything would always be fine. but of course that can never happen, so i'm stuck dealing with my flaws and hoping for second chances.
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| i hate you!!!!!!! |
[Sunday
10:04pm 23rd] |
lately, everything is just fucked up. i don't know who my real friends are. i'm tired of chasing everyone around and trying to make everything ok. i'm tired of pretending to like people when inside i'm screaming 'fuck you, you don't deserve my friendship' i'm tired of everything and everyone. i'm counting the days til graduation so i can get the fuck out.
ok. i'm lost. could you fill me in, please? what the fuck did i do? what the fuck did i do to deserve it..huh? what did i do to anyone? nothing. nothing at all. can you think of anything? it's probably going to be hard, but i'm sure you can make something up. ohh okay wait, i guess it's that bad to want to be friends with everyone. i see, i see. answer me this.. is it that wrong to want peace with everyone? apparently. oh well heather fucked up. i fucked up, yes i did. i was there when people needed me. i listened to problems and gave advice. i was even willing to fight for people because they were my true friends. but i'm in the wrong. it's understandable, i guess. um yeah.. no. i'm sick of it, i'm sick of putting myself out there to be the good guy and just get fucked over by everyone. EVERYONE. well, no..not everyone. there's 2 people that i know would never do any of this shit to me. and i'm grateful for them. it's just a shame that i had to go through all of this to realize that. i'm tired of getting fucked over and i'm tired of stressing out over people. this is where i say i've had enough. i'm done with people and their bullshit. i've been true. i've been real. everyone else is just so fucking fake, it's discusting. it seriosuly sickens me. i know so many 2-faced people, and the sad part is, most of them were my so called friends. hah. for people who said they'd never be 'that guy'.. actually, i don't even know why i'm stressing over this. yeah it's not like i'm in dire need of any of their friendships.. i mean.. why should i even want to be? i've gotten fucked over, used, hurt. why would anyone want that? i don't. it's a damn shame though that i had to find out the hard way.. especially when i've never been anything but nice to all of them. i guess i let my guard down too quick.. and in return of caring, i get fucked over. time and time again. i'm not talking about one person, i'm in fact talking about a few. 'i'm not going to hang out with you tonight, because i've got better friends, that i actually talk about behind their backs and put them down so terribly and they don't know about, but hey.. can you take me to get some beer?' lmfao. i about died.
people are fucked up, and frankly i don't need them.
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| AHHHH |
[Friday
3:30pm 10th] |
i need some advice.. comments would be appreciated greatly..
i have a feeling that my dad is having an affair. hes giving me all the reason in the world to make me think so. texting her in the middle of the night, going over her house in the middle of the night, visiting her.. alone.. until about 3:00am. when everyone else is on vacation. and every time i ask him about it he just smiles and laughs and asks me what i'm talking about. and the thing is.. my mom has no idea. i guess you'd have to know my family's background to understand why i'm so concerned.
first.. my mom hasnt really been a good wife/mother to us. she's bipolar and recently is becoming bulimic again. my dad's been busy his whole life taking care of her and us (money wise) to have a life of his own. he has been thinkning about a divorce.. but he ponders it deeply because he said in his vows 'through sickness and in health' but there's only so much that one can take. i don't blame my dad, he needs someone that he can laugh and talk with.. not a bipolar person that rants and raves about the smallest things. i know she cant help it.. but my dad can't help but look for something more in someone else. i'm concerned because my mom has a past of depression.. and my brothers and i are going to obviously want to live with my dad.. and i'm afraid my mom will take it as we don't love her anymore.. and kill herself.
and my dad's pick isn't a real winner either.. she's a big drunk. i was under the impression that she was also a lesbian because she is always with my aunt kim, hanging out, drinknig, they're always always always together. and that there is just going to make everything hard because my aunt and my dad don't get along AT ALL, they like HATE eachother.. and being that amanda is always with my dad.. my aunt kim is 'jealous' and bitches about it and is going to hate my dad even more..
its a big fucking mess.. and i need avice.. please & thank you
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| just live your life a little for me |
[Thursday
3:55pm 2nd] |
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fall out boy & hawthorne heights |
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everything that i've held on to.. to keep me sane.. is just slipping through my fingers.
i feel alone, left out, tired, unworthy of anyone's friendship, hopeless, confused, unloved, depressed, angered. i don't know how much more of myself i can take..
i'm vulnerable.. i need people right now.. and everyone just seems to be slowly going away.. if i had to describe myself in one word.. it would be lost.
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x___emo_tion's journal
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